Open Adoption: Lakshmi Iyer

Adoption has been a topic close to my heart. A secret topic close to my heart. It wasn't one of those I spoke much about or acted upon, but dream I did. From when I was in 8th grade and I heard a rather vivid story on adoption and I saw how integrated and happy they all were and how hard the pre-adoption stage was for both, and I swore to myself that I would grow up and adopt. 

Well, I grew up, and no, I did not adopt. For some, life isn't steered too consciously, and I did not pay much attention to where I sailed, and now am at the point where I know that that boat has sailed what with my age and stage in life. That only makes the desire and dream all the more poignant when I do hear stories or meet folks who have opened up their hearts and lives, it creates that pang in my heart. There's that tug, a gentle choke of the voice chords and there is that mist that appears when I see them, making them all look like well, angels. 

In recent years, Ive known a few of these wonderful families, and the count is only increasing. Bless their hearts! 

That's enough about me, and let me introduce you to this amazing woman who has followed her instincts and heart and charted off into unknown territories with nothing more than faith and belief in herself and her husband. Unassuming and with an air of quiet acceptance hiding all the turmoil as she worked her way through to the surface, Lakshmi and I go a very long way back. 

Both of us started blogging right about the same time, and with so few Indian bloggers in the US back then, most quickly knew each other and we built a rapport, like we do, through our words, experiences and the tales we spun on our blogs. She had an ephemeral way of expressing her thoughts, almost dream like, and many of us watched her through her initial gloom with despair and helplessness, coz that's all anyone could offer. 

Then when I found her again after being offline a bit, there she was happy and preening over her babies. She writes it all on her blog. 

She is also an amazingly helpful, kind person, who without hesitation, opened up to me with what I posed. If I was in wonder and awe with her last five years, I now am also filled with gratitude and joy in knowing her and to the value that one can add on with such experiences. 

Without any more delay, here is Lakshmi Iyer, on her adoption process and becoming a mom, a parent. :-) 

Her blog: Saying Out Aloud. 

So, Lakshmi, let me ask you why adoption? What exactly sparked the idea of adoption? Whose idea was it? 

Adoption as an idea probably appealed to me since the movie Kannathil Mutthamittal. But it was one of those things you think you will get around to in time (when I am older, when I have more money...) meaning never. Then someone in your circle adopts a child and you go "you know, I always wanted to adopt!"

Oh God, that's me. That's what I told myself, but I suppose, after the third happened, I was wary. But oops, sorry, you were saying?

Haha, yes, adoption as a germ of an idea came when infertility treatments were unsuccessful and I was tired of poking myself with needles and afraid of getting my hopes up only for them to be doused over and over. The options open to me at that time (surrogacy, donor embryos and adoption) all involved no DNA link between the child and me. Given that, adoption held appeal over the others. 

The specific point where I was ready to act on it was when a friend of mine and a fellow infertile announced she was adopting from India. I remember the conversation so well. There was a glow in her face. The promise of hope. I remember thinking, this is what I want. The hope, the beginning of something knowing there is a child at the end of it.

Is it something you and your husband immediately warmed to, the idea?

In a way yes. The initial conversations surrounding adoption always had an air of 'sometime in the future'. We would talk about it, agree that it was a good way to build a family and the conversation would veer to other topics.

In April/May 2009, I started browsing about adopting from India seriously. I have always believed knowledge is power. So, I haunted forums on adoption, dug through blogs, personal accounts, government websites and realized the process would take 3 years or more from when I started. Then there was this whole immigration angle to it that made things harder. 

On an off chance, I stumbled on a post on some forum by an Indian couple who had adopted a hispanic child. I followed their trail online, dug up an email address and wrote to them. The answer came back short and cryptic. Yes, they did but they were not comfortable talking about it. But the idea had taken hold of me and would not let go. So, I searched till I found another couple. The girl was open to talking except they had moved back to India. The emails went back and forth and eventually she shared a picture of her family. I fell hard. This was tangible proof that it could happen. 

When did you discuss the idea at length? Am sure you had your fears and doubts?

Armed with this, I opened up the conversation again specifically about adopting domestically. The initial reaction from my husband was lukewarm. He understood where I was coming from and how desperately I craved motherhood but a part of him wanted to discuss it logically sans emotion. We talked about race, skin color, reaction from family and friends. As we talked, one thing became clear. This was our journey. As much as others' were impacted by it, it was our life. Our way. Once that was clear, a lot of the obstacles tumbled away. Then it was about dealing with our prejudices and unlearning a lot of things we had grown up with. 

Incredible! It's such a learning experience, this communication, talk and then acceptance, am sure. Do you think this brought you two closer?

It is a personal journey of sorts. Discovering ourselves on the way to building a family. I look back on it now and realize that as a couple we complemented each other.

Aw! So what did you do next? 

The next step once we had agreed domestic adoption was on the table was more research. This time it focused on the different routes to domestic adoption. Picking an agency to work with. Figuring out what we were open to in terms of race, medical needs, medical history etc. Once we had a loose idea of what we were ready for, the actual process started in June 2009.

For folks who don't know yet, Lakshmi's kids are Caucasian. Not brown, or asian, or south-asian. With this in mind, do read on.

So, at this point, am stepping on touchy waters, so bear with me here. Adopting local is a big step even for adoption. From where I stand. I have seen inter-racial adoptions, but Ive seen whites; Caucasian parents with Asian kids and such. How did you make peace with that concept and allow yourself to grow to embrace it? 

I cringe as I even write this. When I look back on our journey, we started out like most of us do. Fixated on adopting a child who would be a close match to us in physical appearance. Black hair, brown eyes and the like. Because the two couples I had stumbled on in my research had adopted hispanic children and they seemed to look like a family that is what I zeroed in on. Once we signed up with an agency and talked about the races we were open to, the lady who was doing the intake looked us in the eye and said it was going to be difficult. Being Hindu, vegetarian and Indian, the chances of us being picked by a hispanic family was low. However, she said it was not impossible. 

Seven months later, we sat on the other side of a phone call that was about twin girls who would go on to be our daughters. The last thing on our collective minds was the race of the children. I look upon the months it took for our daughters to come to us as a journey literally and metaphorically. We changed as people. We looked hard and deep within ourselves. We asked hard questions about stereotypes. We questioned our place in our families, the society we were part of and the premium it placed on skin color. By the time we became parents, we realized to be good parents to our children, we should not be color blind but very aware of how skin color will impact how they interact outside the home. It is still work in progress and our ideas change with the challenges we face personally and with reading and interacting with the adoptive/adoptee/birth families community.

Was it a harder decision in any way? Did you toss the India, family and friends reactions and then subsequent acceptance of the kid here? How did you get past that? 

The decision making itself was not hard. It took all of 30 minutes. We got a phone call (one we were not prepared for), took down notes, sat down as a couple to talk and called back and said yes. Once we had made the decision, the magnitude of it hit us in waves, over a period of time. Personally, we both believed and accepted that this was our decision, our life. Period. 

However, over the course of time, we see that our decision impacts people around us. Sometimes, it is mild curiosity, sometimes it is far darker. We, as parents, shrug it off but I am starting to fear for the impact it will have on the children. 

Am sure you had to think from a few different angles. Adoption, as grand and amazing a way it is to build a family, has its challenges, just like any other parenting. You bring in another set of parents/guardians - some at least do. Many don’t explicitly mention it, coz of course it is personal, and also it helps when the difference is not too stark. So did you have to toss all that through? Did you have to not only think from your perspective and what you would face as parents, but also on how the kid would grow up and have those questions? How did you decide on that part at that time? 

It took seven months from the time we signed up with the agency till our girls came to us. During this time, we went through two failed adoptions. We learned first hand about the murky underbelly of the adoption industry. We flew eight hours after having been matched for three months and vicariously living the expectant mother's life only to be told that she changed her mind. I reeled from the news and fell back on the internet with a vengeance trying to understand what it is like. What I learned changed me. 

Adoption is H.A.R.D. No ways around it. A bond is created starting with loss and pain. It will tinge the relationship life long. The birth family is their family. It is our family as well now. Once we have our head wrapped tightly around this fact, the rest of things fall in place. In order to be the best parents we can be to our children, we decided that truth, however hard it is will guide our parenting as it relates to the adoption part. 

The children will deal with it in time. They are just now connecting the dots and asking questions about their birth family. I expect over the years, it will get hard before it gets better. My focus is on providing them with answers and the tools they need to handle it themselves. It also means drawing lines around what I share about their story and their history. About letting them take control over their narrative.

Just a bit more conscious parenting, perhaps? :) 

It’s how many years now? How’s the journey been so far? Are there any practical challenges or anything funny or different that you had to face when your family steps out together?

It has been five years now. Five happy, fulfilling years. Like any other family we have our challenges and we find our way through them. Most times I am left scratching my head wondering if it is adoption or if it is typical of kids that age. We bumble, fall, pick ourselves up and make our way. Any challenges we have had have mostly been with traveling to and in India. There are no filters. We are asked to share our childrens' story. We are gawked at. We have had to be proactive about protecting our children's personal space. At two years, they soaked up the attention. At five, they are wary. They realize the alienness of it all. They also experience white privilege which I am not sure how I feel about it. 

These are things I am grappling with and trying to understand so I can teach my children about it.

Am sure. We all learn I suppose. Parenting is hard as it is. It's like we got signed up with absolutely no credentials and no experience and then there is the added pressure of the job being that of raising a grounded wonderful child! Go figure! 

So, How welcoming (or maybe not) has society and community been? Did you guys care? :)

Overall our immediate society and community has been incredibly supportive. I must make special mention of my family and my in laws who have been incredibly supportive from the word go. It is my father in law who sowed the seeds in a way. When we were initially discussing adoption with him and explained to him how we were looking to be placed with a hispanic baby. He cut us short and said (paraphrasing here) "Black, white or brown, Why does it matter? Any baby once it comes to your home is your baby." I was blown away and felt very small.

..and this is Lakshmi with her daughters. Twins. Gorgeous, innocent, flawless beautiful angelic girls with their equally lovely mom!

I can tell you are very happy and it’s great, but tell me, what are your first thoughts when you wake up, when you go to bed at night? How has motherhood been so far, how has it changed you and how satisfied and content are you, with your decisions so far? 

First thought when I wake up? Hmm! I need my coffee. Jokes aside, I wake up happy and secure in the knowledge that I am incredibly blessed. By my children. By my husband. Motherhood has been a dream come true. I enjoy nurturing my children. I soak in the physicality of our interactions. I realize time will fly so I consciously make an effort to slow down and enjoy each day. 

It also means some days I am overwhelmed. I struggle with keeping a lid on my temper. I struggle with demands on my time and person day in day out. Even on those days, there are lucid moments when I realize I wanted this. I worked for it and these are my blessing.

Do you ever think or brood about the future in an apprehensive way? is there an apprehension at all? Is it faith and goodwill that you hold on to and take every day as it comes?

On yes! There is a lot of apprehension. But I think it has more to do with being a parent rather than being an adoptive parent. I fear for my childrens' health, their future, their teenage years. I worry about how being adopted will impact how they see themselves. I worry about genetic mirroring. About whether they will look back on life and wish their adoption had been closed. 

Then I realize I cannot control any of it. I take a deep breath and tell myself this is the best version of me I can offer them. It will have to do.

I understand you are a huge advocate for open adoption. What exactly does that mean? You blog the journey and I love that you share so others also benefit from it, so if there is someone out there who’s been tossing this idea, what’s the one thing you would tell them that will make them cross over? 

Open adoption in a nutshell means accepting your children has two families. Their family of origin is as important in their narrative as the family they are in.

I am an advocate for open adoption simply because it is the truth. It is who they are. It is where they come from. Having said that, it is also a function of the kind of people my husband and I are. We believe children are resilient. That being open with them invites trust. Only if we accord their heritage due respect, they will understand that we respect who they are separate from us. I do not want to gloss over the fact that there are times when I wish life were not complicated. That there are some nights I stay up wondering what future holds for us. 

Despite all that, I am happy with where we are and where we are headed.  

Knowing what you do now, do you think our upbringing or our personalities matter when considering adoption? Is there a trait that one must NOT have before signing up for this journey? Not just adoption, but open adoption and inter-racial so to speak?

Hmm! Tough one that in the sense, any characteristic I can think of as not amenable to adoption also in turn implies not compatible with parenting. Rather than traits, what I will say is that if one is turning towards adoption to build their family specially after infertility they must bury their ghosts of infertility past before starting this process. Adoption is not a substitute for having a biological child. They are two different methods of creating a family. Waiting for your adopted child cannot and should not be compared to gestation (I see too much of that). Adopting a child will not miraculously close that 'hole' in your heart. 

Bringing a child home however, will make you a parent. If all you craved for is to become a mom or dad, you will be very happy. As for open adoption or transracial adoption, all I can say is you need to be cognizant of the fact that the child is a blessing. You are lucky to have that child. Not the other way around. There is no element of altruism in adoption (in most cases). We as parents pursue adoption to fulfill a very selfish need (becoming a parent). So, it is easy to get caught up in the whole 'I/You saved a child' feeling. That is dangerous territory.

Yes! It's something that I have felt all along. That parents who adopt are fortunate and lucky. They have been given that opportunity and they are blessed for it. There are many like me who want to, but don't/cannot, and yes, I can see why the reverse "saving" is a slippery slope. Thank you for putting it out there!

Is there a low? at all?

Of course there are lows. When you grapple with setting boundaries. When you are in a temple and wish for a few hours you could just be a regular family without being gawked at. Lows punctuate each day. But there are the highs that compensate. When you watch your children practice kindness. When you watch them sleep, mouth open, on the sofa because you wanted to get that counter cleaned before you put them to bed. When your children say something in Tamizh because they know it pleases you. The little happy moments outweigh the smaller annoyances. It reminds you of all the reasons you wanted to be a mother for. It grounds you.

Aww :) You know, most of it is just being a mom in itself, right? How do you pick up when there is a low?

Simple. I remind myself that this was an act of choice. I wanted children. I worked hard towards building this family. I owe my children the very best version of me. So, I fake it till I make it. I plaster a smile, grit my teeth and pray for patience on difficult days.

Wow.

Fake it till we make it.

Yes :)

Anything you want to add Lakshmi? 

Not really! Thank you for giving me an opportunity to talk about our family and what an incredible journey it has been. I wish prospective adoptive parents reading this good luck and baby dust.

***

So, there you go.

If you were ever on the fence, well, take heart, believe and take that leap of faith. A family is a beautiful thing. As personal and as intimate as we make it, and only you decide.

To all parents who made a family this way, here's a HUGE bear hug to each of you from me. God bless you, and may your tribe increase and flourish! Muah <3